Bad movie alert: Blood of Beasts (2005)
Oct. 29th, 2025 04:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
annavereOnwards in my DVD watching, I wanted something fun so went with Blood of Beasts, directed by David Lister in 2005 and originally titled Beauty and the Beast, of which it turns into a retelling around halfway through, while also trying to be The 13th Warrior with a pinch of Lorna Doone and a Child Ballad to round it out. The DVD cover makes it look like a Lord of the Rings action knock off. I'm probably making it sound really cool, but fair warning, I did not like this movie.
It gets an average 4.1 on IMDB. I'm gonna break it down, for my own amusement, so spoilers abound.
The plot centers on Freya (Jane March), the daughter of the king of a Viking settlement. The king, waxing fat on hubris, wants to challenge Odin for control of an island inhabited by a cruel man-beast or beast-man. The king's heir, Sven (William Gregory Lee), is a smirking blonde coward who spends the film racking up every PG-13 villain move you can make, and is determined to wed Freya despite her increasing dislike of him. The king gets captured by the beast, and Freya goes to save him. The story is obvious from there, except for a bit at the end, which, uh, I will get to.
Neat set design. This film did not have much budget, but they sincerely did a fun job with this part. The beast converted the former settlement of the island into a stick-and-bone Rumble Arena, for fighting foolish Vikings and stringing up their corpses. He also built a cage to house captives so he can talk to them about the torment of Odin's curse and stave off his own beastliness. There's a whole thing about the moon aggravating his bloodlust, like a werewolf, but nothing is ever done with this thread.
Atrocious hair. According to IMDB reviewers, this is because everyone had wigs (I'm terrible at noticing wigs, but I sure noticed something was wrong here). Long loose hair on all the menfolk, with nobody in braids except a few rattails on Sven. It pained me.
The two women in the cast looked good, thankfully.
The costuming got a lot of disparagement on IMDB, but I was just happy there was some color on display and everyone wasn't dressed in earth tones for "realism." I did groan a bit at Freya's white wedding dress that looked very bargain bin, but otherwise, I was chill. Chainmail. Sure, let's go with that.
Look, when movies get made on the cheap, corners have to be cut and allowances made. Do I wish this movie had more atmosphere and scenery/costume porn? Sure, in the best of all possible worlds, but the important part is the script. Which...
Okay, the absolute best bit of the film is when Freya sets out with her best friend Ingrid to go save the king on their own. Freya challenges the beast to an honorable duel. Arrows are loosed, Ingrid has her back throughout, swinging an ax, that sort of thing. A short scene which understood the assignment. The girls being completely loyal to each other and getting shit done, because the menfolk in this movie are useless. It was fun.
Freya bargains for her father and Ingrid to go free if she takes her father's place on the island. Her father really undercuts the emotional appeal of Freya's noble sacrifice by being a complete louse throughout this film. He disparages Odin, gets his warriors killed pointlessly, never listens to his daughter even after she heroically saves his sorry ass and insists on marrying her off to Sven. I thought her rescue would humble him and convince him to change his ways, but no, he doubles down on the Sven thing, despite Sven leaving the king to die, being too cowardly to go back and getting shown up by his own betrothed. This is supposedly a Viking culture. The hell it is.
Then the genre swerves to fairy tale. Freya decides to live freely on the island, the protective cage unnecessary to her wellbeing, because the beast is really a gentle sort. He takes care of her and pines yearningly. The whole film becomes hinged on backstory we were never shown, regarding Agnar, son of Ragnar, and his relationship with Freya. See, he went to the island and killed Odin's pet bear and was cursed to become a man-beast, or beast-man. It was extremely hard for me to care about the star-crossed lovers, or the reason why the king wanted to reclaim the island, because the necessary exposition was barely sketched in. Watching them speedrun a monster romance without Freya even recognizing Agnar was kind of whatever.
The beast then decides to do a suicide-by-cop gambit to end his suffering. He lets Freya's rescuers kill him. Which they do, trying to feel like men again after two girls emasculated them - the men in this movie all suck, by the way. I will grant Ingrid's boyfriend Eric, who at least has a working conscience and is supportive of Ingrid; however, he's more of a talker than a doer and also, I signed up to watch a freaking Viking movie. I don't watch Viking movies to watch weak ass men shrink from every confrontation. The fuck.
The beast, of course, resurrects just in time to gatecrash Freya's wedding.
This is where the Lorna Doone comparison comes in. Freya is about to wed Sven. She's dressed in white, so I immediately suspected a dose of bright red blood would stain it, but I also thought this would be caused by her doing the action girl thing again. This was an incorrect assumption.
The beast arrives, stating his identity as Agnar, son of Ragnar, and challenging Sven to single combat for her hand. So the film's climax is actually two guys battling for ownership of the girl they both fancy, which is kind of disappointing after her attaining warrior status and emasculating the entire village and what not. Sven is HER villain to defeat. The beast, trying to reclaim his humanity, should not be fighting this battle at all. He should stand down and Freya step in to save his life.
Instead, she watches them duke it out and then she has a fit of concern for the beast. Girl, he was shot, stabbed and roasted on that island and came back to life. He doesn't need you to run into the middle of the swordfight to break it up. However, this is what she does and it gets her predictably impaled, and her blood cures the beast, who reverts to... some guy we've barely seen. I don't know, I don't care about Agnar.
Agnar kills Sven and Freya dies in his handsome arms, apologizing for not recognizing him before. The next scene is Freya on her funeral boat and I waited, confident she would resurrect through the power of love any second. Odin ex machina, something. You can't make a whole YA romance film with an on-the-nose theme of girl power, with men being completely useless and Sven making misogynistic, controlling comments every time he talks to or about Freya, and have her big heroic moment be dying stupidly.
I mean, you could. Because this film did.
Anyway, the boat casts off, she's just lying there, at which point I started to laugh and make incredulous curses. The fire arrows launch, the boat burns, the credits roll. I laughed for a good ten minutes, mostly compounded by my own reaction, which obviously wasn't the intended one. Beauty doesn't die at the end of Beauty and the Beast. Lorna Doone survives getting shot at her wedding. The art direction would have to have leaned into a much darker fairytale vibe to establish the necessary Child Ballad tone as early as possible, if they wanted to make an ending where the heroine dies feel correct. Instead, everything is spritely, well-lit, with a touchy-feely romance and basically no atmosphere whatsoever.
I am not sure who this film was for. It wasn't me, anyway.
It's possible David Lister was himself unsatisfied, because in 2009 he made another 90 minute Beauty and the Beast film. However, I have no interest in tracking it down. I'm good.
It gets an average 4.1 on IMDB. I'm gonna break it down, for my own amusement, so spoilers abound.
The plot centers on Freya (Jane March), the daughter of the king of a Viking settlement. The king, waxing fat on hubris, wants to challenge Odin for control of an island inhabited by a cruel man-beast or beast-man. The king's heir, Sven (William Gregory Lee), is a smirking blonde coward who spends the film racking up every PG-13 villain move you can make, and is determined to wed Freya despite her increasing dislike of him. The king gets captured by the beast, and Freya goes to save him. The story is obvious from there, except for a bit at the end, which, uh, I will get to.
Neat set design. This film did not have much budget, but they sincerely did a fun job with this part. The beast converted the former settlement of the island into a stick-and-bone Rumble Arena, for fighting foolish Vikings and stringing up their corpses. He also built a cage to house captives so he can talk to them about the torment of Odin's curse and stave off his own beastliness. There's a whole thing about the moon aggravating his bloodlust, like a werewolf, but nothing is ever done with this thread.
Atrocious hair. According to IMDB reviewers, this is because everyone had wigs (I'm terrible at noticing wigs, but I sure noticed something was wrong here). Long loose hair on all the menfolk, with nobody in braids except a few rattails on Sven. It pained me.
The two women in the cast looked good, thankfully.
The costuming got a lot of disparagement on IMDB, but I was just happy there was some color on display and everyone wasn't dressed in earth tones for "realism." I did groan a bit at Freya's white wedding dress that looked very bargain bin, but otherwise, I was chill. Chainmail. Sure, let's go with that.
Look, when movies get made on the cheap, corners have to be cut and allowances made. Do I wish this movie had more atmosphere and scenery/costume porn? Sure, in the best of all possible worlds, but the important part is the script. Which...
Okay, the absolute best bit of the film is when Freya sets out with her best friend Ingrid to go save the king on their own. Freya challenges the beast to an honorable duel. Arrows are loosed, Ingrid has her back throughout, swinging an ax, that sort of thing. A short scene which understood the assignment. The girls being completely loyal to each other and getting shit done, because the menfolk in this movie are useless. It was fun.
Freya bargains for her father and Ingrid to go free if she takes her father's place on the island. Her father really undercuts the emotional appeal of Freya's noble sacrifice by being a complete louse throughout this film. He disparages Odin, gets his warriors killed pointlessly, never listens to his daughter even after she heroically saves his sorry ass and insists on marrying her off to Sven. I thought her rescue would humble him and convince him to change his ways, but no, he doubles down on the Sven thing, despite Sven leaving the king to die, being too cowardly to go back and getting shown up by his own betrothed. This is supposedly a Viking culture. The hell it is.
Then the genre swerves to fairy tale. Freya decides to live freely on the island, the protective cage unnecessary to her wellbeing, because the beast is really a gentle sort. He takes care of her and pines yearningly. The whole film becomes hinged on backstory we were never shown, regarding Agnar, son of Ragnar, and his relationship with Freya. See, he went to the island and killed Odin's pet bear and was cursed to become a man-beast, or beast-man. It was extremely hard for me to care about the star-crossed lovers, or the reason why the king wanted to reclaim the island, because the necessary exposition was barely sketched in. Watching them speedrun a monster romance without Freya even recognizing Agnar was kind of whatever.
The beast then decides to do a suicide-by-cop gambit to end his suffering. He lets Freya's rescuers kill him. Which they do, trying to feel like men again after two girls emasculated them - the men in this movie all suck, by the way. I will grant Ingrid's boyfriend Eric, who at least has a working conscience and is supportive of Ingrid; however, he's more of a talker than a doer and also, I signed up to watch a freaking Viking movie. I don't watch Viking movies to watch weak ass men shrink from every confrontation. The fuck.
The beast, of course, resurrects just in time to gatecrash Freya's wedding.
This is where the Lorna Doone comparison comes in. Freya is about to wed Sven. She's dressed in white, so I immediately suspected a dose of bright red blood would stain it, but I also thought this would be caused by her doing the action girl thing again. This was an incorrect assumption.
The beast arrives, stating his identity as Agnar, son of Ragnar, and challenging Sven to single combat for her hand. So the film's climax is actually two guys battling for ownership of the girl they both fancy, which is kind of disappointing after her attaining warrior status and emasculating the entire village and what not. Sven is HER villain to defeat. The beast, trying to reclaim his humanity, should not be fighting this battle at all. He should stand down and Freya step in to save his life.
Instead, she watches them duke it out and then she has a fit of concern for the beast. Girl, he was shot, stabbed and roasted on that island and came back to life. He doesn't need you to run into the middle of the swordfight to break it up. However, this is what she does and it gets her predictably impaled, and her blood cures the beast, who reverts to... some guy we've barely seen. I don't know, I don't care about Agnar.
Agnar kills Sven and Freya dies in his handsome arms, apologizing for not recognizing him before. The next scene is Freya on her funeral boat and I waited, confident she would resurrect through the power of love any second. Odin ex machina, something. You can't make a whole YA romance film with an on-the-nose theme of girl power, with men being completely useless and Sven making misogynistic, controlling comments every time he talks to or about Freya, and have her big heroic moment be dying stupidly.
I mean, you could. Because this film did.
Anyway, the boat casts off, she's just lying there, at which point I started to laugh and make incredulous curses. The fire arrows launch, the boat burns, the credits roll. I laughed for a good ten minutes, mostly compounded by my own reaction, which obviously wasn't the intended one. Beauty doesn't die at the end of Beauty and the Beast. Lorna Doone survives getting shot at her wedding. The art direction would have to have leaned into a much darker fairytale vibe to establish the necessary Child Ballad tone as early as possible, if they wanted to make an ending where the heroine dies feel correct. Instead, everything is spritely, well-lit, with a touchy-feely romance and basically no atmosphere whatsoever.
I am not sure who this film was for. It wasn't me, anyway.
It's possible David Lister was himself unsatisfied, because in 2009 he made another 90 minute Beauty and the Beast film. However, I have no interest in tracking it down. I'm good.
no subject
Date: 2025-10-30 04:36 am (UTC)As much as I love a ridiculous bad movie, I do not think I'll be tracking this one down, but your account of it is a delight. I think I've mentioned before that your reviews of things you didn't like are top-notch, though I would never suggest you inflict more horrible things upon yourself just for that.
I find the when it comes to IMDB ratings, a lot of stuff below a 3 is so bad it's hilarious, and anything above a six is generally enjoyable, if flawed, but anything between those two numbers doesn't really have much to redeem it. Highly subjective, of course, but that's been my observation.
I looked up that director's 2009 Beauty and the Beast and watched the trailer (didn't even unmute it), and I think you're making a wise decision in avoiding it. It looks. . . well there's a thing that looks like a cross between a werewolf and a sphynx cat, and bargain bin Maleficent shooting lightning bolts at. . . something? I dunno man, I'm also gonna be avoiding that one, I think.
no subject
Date: 2025-10-30 02:48 pm (UTC)...Okay, so I watched it. I even turned the sound up, and wow, it gave away the entire film. All the twists, even the transformation into Prince Handsome, in under two minutes. I now have literally even less reason to watch that movie, because I've seen it all.
I will probably inflict many more horrible things upon myself, but not deliberately. :) I must approach things with a sense of optimism. I'm looking for good entertainment. If a snarky review is all I can get, so be it.
no subject
Date: 2025-10-30 04:39 pm (UTC)There are some really hilariously bad movies out there. Let me know if you ever get around to Velocipastor. What a catastrophically awful movie, but I enjoyed every minute of it. Except then I had to go apologize to my mother for watching it on her account and probably screwing up her algorithm. :P
no subject
Date: 2025-10-31 12:29 am (UTC)I don't know if any film could live up to the title, but if I ever decide to watch it, you'll be the first to know. :)
no subject
Date: 2025-10-31 05:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-11-01 07:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-11-02 11:36 pm (UTC)Strike this off my list of b-movies to check out.
no subject
Date: 2025-11-03 11:43 am (UTC)And I'm so fond and forgiving of low budgets. I was rooting for this movie! Gargh.