Life update

[annavere]

For those who may be concerned I thought it might be time to make another post on the topic.

This will be behind a cut for people who want to skip.

Life without David is unimaginably dreary and lonely, the more so as everyone else gets to quickly move on with their normal lives and concerns. I think I'm edging my way from shock to depression, which is a problem, as depression is immobilizing and I need the structure I cobbled together in the first month. So I am already having to relearn and adjust how I'm functioning.

Then again, considering I have lost the vast majority of my loved ones before reaching my mid-thirties, it is amazing I am able to get out of bed in the morning, let alone go to work and go through the learning curves of my new solitary existence. I remind myself of this when I feel particularly overwhelmed.

Some friends know I lost my truck on black ice and had to replace it with the first decent vehicle I could find (a Subaru I am still adjusting to). It was also a brutally cold winter with frequent snowfall, creating a lot of extra difficulties with the house I live in, but that has improved with the weather. It's not spring yet, but so much better than it was that it might as well be.

For practical things, I obsess over double-checking that everything in the house is safely off before I go out, and rush to fulfill legal obligations like taxes and vehicle registration asap because I know they're gonna suck twice as much given the circumstances, and then I can sink back into my cocoon undisturbed until the next day. Cooking and grocery shopping on the other hand takes vast quantities of energy I am barely able to manifest.

I have only the vaguest possible idea of what's going on in the news but when I stumble over something or the topic is brought up in my vicinity, my response is complete shut down. I do not have it in me, although I can register and be sad for people who are affected.

Almost every song I know has been recontextualized around my loss, which sounds like it would be awful and suck the joy out of hearing music, but it is actually very soothing and I am listening to a lot of music right now. Among other things, the house is painfully silent, and music helps.

It's much harder to go back to watching TV shows. Part of this is the sense of nominal escapism which focus on a screen creates. The absolute exhaustion when the viewing is over staggers me. The instant desire to talk about what I watched. David didn't want to watch stuff like Stargate Atlantis and Teen Wolf but he found my recaps entertaining.

So I don't force it. At some point, it will be psychologically right for me, and in the meantime I try an episode of something more or less once a week and shrug if it doesn't take.

Reading fic is also a bit difficult. I bounce off a lot of stuff right now, and it's not because of anything wrong with the stories or the writing, it's just hard to get into the headspace. I still like leaving comments for people, though, so I'm trying to click on stuff here or there.

There's a little to report on writing, as I am slowly getting a sense of how it works in my new existence. Gaining sea legs, as it were.

So I have a couple of Jeremiah vignettes I sent to a swordfighting beta, which I might get posted later this week. There is some satisfaction in completing projects and I am still proud of my work. It hasn't lost its creative appeal. What it has lost is the sense of play. I am used to going over my writing for final edit by reading it aloud, enthusiastically playing all the voices. I have no idea how I'm going to find that energy anytime soon.

Hence, vignettes, I suppose.

I have also been doing a bit of work on the last chapter of In Abeyance, and I purchased Teen Wolf so I can review canon and keep going. This seems the height of stupidity after buying a car, and all those surrounding expenses, and my previous chapter went over in near total silence - and yet. The DVDs go for cheap and I want to finish my story. It is important to me.

I have always thought of myself as tending toward melancholy introversion, but I had no idea how happy and exuberant I was with David in my life.

I am very lucky in that I have so many good, cheap activities to take some comfort in, and a nice fannish circle to natter with on occasion.

Comments

[bleodswean]

I'm so sorry. It's been said that grief is like waves in the sea, longer times between the swells...

[annavere]

It's about holding on and waiting with patience through the unendurable.

[senmut]

Sympathies. I had very young children when I went through the loss of a partner, and that... provided some structure to force me forward, plus we were not a standard family type.

I do hope you keep plucking at life, until that day when a joy sparks.

[annavere]

My sympathy in return. I can't imagine. It does feel like it's about being forced forward.

[teratornis]

It's such a strange experience, the way life just. . . keeps going after such a horrible loss. It just feels like everything should stop for a while, and it's so hard to convince yourself that it doesn't.

I'm sorry to hear about your truck. That's got to be so difficult to deal with, on top of everything. 🫂

I hope the music continues to sooth, and the weather to improve and make life a little easier for you. I'm glad there are things that you can take comfort in, and that you're finding a way along. I hope things get easier for you, even if they're different from before. You're definitely in my thoughts. ❤️

[annavere]

Thank you. It does feel very draining and isolating to be in the world when this has happened. Especially because so many people are really awkward about the subject of grief. I can see how they struggle with what to say, whether to acknowledge or not. It can be painful. I like it when people who knew my partner talk about him, and it is frustrating when they shy from the topic, like they think it will upset me.

But I am wading through it, day by day. And small things help.

[teratornis]

I find that to be true even years down the line, and it always seemed odd to me that people seem not to want to talk about grief and loss that way. People walk on eggshells around the topic of losses that happened 20+ years ago, and I wish it were easier to openly discuss, no matter how long ago or recent. I hope you have a few people who knew him who will talk about him with you, when you need it.

I'm glad there are some small things that are helping.

[annavere]

It is definitely something people find difficult. I wonder if it has to do with the sense of alarm at someone having strong emotions, a degree of oversensitivity, like "oh, I don't want to make this person upset."

[teratornis]

I feel like a lot of it is not wanting to upset somebody else, though I expect there's an element of self-protection in there as well, in not wanting to upset oneself by talking about something painful. I do think usually a person's heart is in the right place, but have a hard time meeting you where you're at on grief, sometimes.

[annavere]

This is true. It's not an enjoyable position to be in.

[teratornis]

Yeah that is extremely true. I'm sorry it's a position you're repeatedly finding yourself in. 🫂

[havocthecat]

I haven't actually even had a chance to read your third chapter yet. I want focus and my life is - scattered.

Tonight, I am - okay, this post is not locked, I will text you with details.

[annavere]

I was not complaining about you! I was not even complaining about anyone else! Life happens, I know this better than anyone, and nobody is obligated to do anything with their own free time even if it's sunshine and roses.

It was more a philosophical observation about my own motivations, which are internal. I did not mean it as criticism, I was tired and didn't rephrase like I should. I'm sorry. :(

[yourlibrarian]

Your comment about the recaps really hit home. It's so painful the way that doing something you used to do suddenly becomes completely different because of someone's loss.

[annavere]

Entirely so...